Monday, December 22, 2008

Unwilling to Give up for God?

I've spent so much time thinking about what I'm willing to give up for God, especially now since Jake has made his final decision concerning school. I know that I'm a lot more willing to give up a variety of things in my life that I wouldn't have before.... but what am I NOT willing to give up? What would I have a lot of trouble walking away from for God? I can think of so many different things that I consider to be important in my life - my family, my friends, my financial stability, my voice, my art, my sexuality - but could I give them up for God if She asked me to?

Honestly, I don't know. I think I would have a LOT of trouble giving them all up, though I could give up my financial stability if I knew I would have a place to go. But my family is incredibly important to me and so are my friends. I feel like I've given up so many friends throughout my life already, but I love the ones I have and the ones that I continue to grow closer to. I would have an incredibly hard time giving up my family and I don't see why God would ever ask me to give them up. Of course, who am I to think I could ever understand the greatness of God's plan?

I have fought so hard to accept and love and admire myself for who I am, including my sexuality, so I would have a hard time giving that up. I believe its a gift from God; I guess my fear has always been having to "renounce" my sexuality in order to fully be close to God. I feel deep down in my heart that it's not the case, so I'm not so worried about that. Would I have to give up sexuality all together? A very select few in this world have ever been able to successfully do that without hurting others in the process of trying. Would I have to give up my dreams of a family and a life partner? Those are such huge parts of what I want in my future. Those are big dreams to give up.

What about my art and my music? I've often wondered if I would go crazy or become severely depressed if I had to give up my voice, my harmony, my music. I don't even like thinking about the day when my voice will start to get weaker and it just won't be as beautiful anymore. It seems so tragic. And what if I was never able to create again? Never to take my ideas and passions and musings and turn them into beautiful paintings or sculptures or glass? I would indeed be sad. Art is my escape; it is my release, my healing. Would I give that up for God?

I hope that God wouldn't ask me to give up these things for some reason. I pray that I won't have to, but ultimately, I'm not the one in charge. I don't know that fighting against something like that would do me any good. In the bible, Job lost everything - his family, his friends, his home, his money. And he never cursed God. And because of his faith, God rewarded him ten fold. But I can't even imagine the pain he experienced while getting to that place.

If I was called to, would I be strong like Job? Would I be able to lose everything and still love God? Would I choose to give up everything for God? Would you?