Monday, April 13, 2009


Yesterday was a good day. Actually, it was a great day. It was the first holiday that I've ever spent completely away from family. Not a single member of my immediate or extended family was there. Instead, I stayed in Champaign and I went to my pastor Keith's house. It was awesome! There were so many different people from the congregation there, many of whom I am already friends with, so it was really nice to be able to just relax and eat and chit chat with them all. The spread was great, the company was fabulous, the weather was perfect, and it was just an awesome day.

I actually ended up staying after everyone left and Keith and Amy and their kids and I all played a game and watched a movie. I've been adopted, lol. I'm a sister/aunt. And I'm just as loud and crazy as the rest of them. I missed my family, but I definitely didn't feel sad or lonely. I have another family here. And they love me!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Just a lot of things....

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now. It's slightly overwhelming at times, even though I have complete trust and faith in God.

My heart still hurts so much from the recent changes of heart concerning homosexuality amongst my siblings. And it keeps coming up in conversation, I've tried avoiding the topic, but occasionally it comes back up and tears open the wound again. It ripples all the way to the depths of who I am. I cannot help but be affected in a negative way by their change of heart. And like many times before, I am left to patch up the tiny pieces of my sense of self that have been torn away by people who love me. Maybe I'm learning about just how much my sense of self shouldn't rest so heavily on the actions and beliefs of the people I hold dear. It's a sad realization, but it's one that I cannot ignore.

Through all of this though, I find my heart growing in love for someone. It's completely unexpected and, quite frankly, it's a bit scary. Again, I have complete trust and faith in God that whatever happens is in Her plan and I am doing my best to not follow my own wants and desires, but my love continues to grow. One thing I know is that now is not the time for either of us to be in a relationship. Not with anyone. We are both still healing from the hurts we've absorbed in our most recent relationships. I'm in a place where I have no desire to get back into my last relationship; she cannot say the same.

I don't want to get stuck in this frame of mind that I have to act now or I'll lose her; that I'll lose the possibility of something more than friendship. I won't get stuck on that because I know it to be untrue. But it's still in the back of my mind, trying to spring forward and force something beautiful to blossom in the wrong season. When she no longer desires relationships of the past and only desires a relationship with me and God, we'll be on the right track. I believe it will happen sometime in the future, but I don't know when. And the waiting is hard. But I love her. I love her enough to wait until she's truly found a relationship with God and an unshakable desire to be with me and only me. I love both her and myself enough to show patience until the time is right instead of acting on selfish desire, no matter how true the feelings are.

These two matters of the heart are completely opposite. I feel like my heart is almost split in two and each half is trying to run in a different direction. But ultimately, they are still connected. Each matter somehow relates to the other. They feed off each other in both positive and negative ways.

I just wish my heart would take a xanax and calm the hell down. Le sigh.