Just a lot of things....

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now. It's slightly overwhelming at times, even though I have complete trust and faith in God.

My heart still hurts so much from the recent changes of heart concerning homosexuality amongst my siblings. And it keeps coming up in conversation, I've tried avoiding the topic, but occasionally it comes back up and tears open the wound again. It ripples all the way to the depths of who I am. I cannot help but be affected in a negative way by their change of heart. And like many times before, I am left to patch up the tiny pieces of my sense of self that have been torn away by people who love me. Maybe I'm learning about just how much my sense of self shouldn't rest so heavily on the actions and beliefs of the people I hold dear. It's a sad realization, but it's one that I cannot ignore.

Through all of this though, I find my heart growing in love for someone. It's completely unexpected and, quite frankly, it's a bit scary. Again, I have complete trust and faith in God that whatever happens is in Her plan and I am doing my best to not follow my own wants and desires, but my love continues to grow. One thing I know is that now is not the time for either of us to be in a relationship. Not with anyone. We are both still healing from the hurts we've absorbed in our most recent relationships. I'm in a place where I have no desire to get back into my last relationship; she cannot say the same.

I don't want to get stuck in this frame of mind that I have to act now or I'll lose her; that I'll lose the possibility of something more than friendship. I won't get stuck on that because I know it to be untrue. But it's still in the back of my mind, trying to spring forward and force something beautiful to blossom in the wrong season. When she no longer desires relationships of the past and only desires a relationship with me and God, we'll be on the right track. I believe it will happen sometime in the future, but I don't know when. And the waiting is hard. But I love her. I love her enough to wait until she's truly found a relationship with God and an unshakable desire to be with me and only me. I love both her and myself enough to show patience until the time is right instead of acting on selfish desire, no matter how true the feelings are.

These two matters of the heart are completely opposite. I feel like my heart is almost split in two and each half is trying to run in a different direction. But ultimately, they are still connected. Each matter somehow relates to the other. They feed off each other in both positive and negative ways.

I just wish my heart would take a xanax and calm the hell down. Le sigh.

I'm getting a signal!

The past 24 hours have irrevocably altered my life.

I did not think I would ever have conversations with my siblings where I was defending my God given sexuality and right to love another woman. But I have. In their journeys towards deeper relationships with God, they have somehow come to the conclusion that God has told them that homosexuality is wrong and that if I only read the Bible more carefully and with an open heart, I would come to that conclusion as well.

I am not saying they are bad people, just as they are not saying the same thing about me. I love them unconditionally and am proud and blessed to be their sibling, and I know they feel the same way about me. I just cannot support their position on this, just like they cannot support mine. So as much as I hate to, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I will not talk about it with them anymore because we both feel like the other person isn't open to the idea that the other will be right.

But that doesn't mean I can't talk about it with other people.

I'm getting a signal from God that I may just be starting a movement. It may just be a book. It may just be a series of conversations with people that help them reconnect with God. Either way, I've been made aware of an issue and I plan on providing some help.

LGBT people are worthy and completely capable of having a God-centered, loving commitment. We just haven't really been told that. Hell, we're not even allowed to get legally married in 49 states. But there are churches in all 50 states that will marry and honor a "marriage" between two people of the same gender. That's a very valid and important fact. The government may not validate a gay marriage, but God will.

I not only see the need for a movement based on "Waiting for Commitment", but I feel it, I taste it, I hear it, I know it. The gift of our sexuality from God has been shamed and broken and exploited by our society. And it's time to reclaim it. It's time to reclaim our sacred sexuality and our relationships with God and rooted in God.

I'm filled with God's grace and warmth when I think about this. It is something I must do. God is calling me to this. How exactly it manifests itself is certainly not set in stone, though. I just know that it's rooted in God and love and I can't wait to do Her work :)

Get ready, world, because you're about to change!

A Musing: My Ultimate Love Letter

We should never underestimate the uniqueness of God or our relationship with Her.  More so, we should acknowledge and rejoice in the fact that His love for us is deeper and more profound than we can even begin to comprehend.

My Love Letter.

In you, Lord, I find my best friend, my inspiration, my parent, my guardian, my lover most pure, my heart, my soul, my life, my love, my everything.  You are my ultimate goal, my destiny, my eternal salvation.

The struggle in truly finding you seems all the more beautiful now.  It makes our love more incredible than words could possibly describe.  And I cannot wait to be wholly united with you again.

Although it's accurate to say that everything in life pales in comparison to you, God, it's so much the opposite.  Your dwelling inside of me has magnified every color, every sound, every emotion, every moment.  The world is truly breathtaking because of you.