I'm getting a signal!

The past 24 hours have irrevocably altered my life.

I did not think I would ever have conversations with my siblings where I was defending my God given sexuality and right to love another woman. But I have. In their journeys towards deeper relationships with God, they have somehow come to the conclusion that God has told them that homosexuality is wrong and that if I only read the Bible more carefully and with an open heart, I would come to that conclusion as well.

I am not saying they are bad people, just as they are not saying the same thing about me. I love them unconditionally and am proud and blessed to be their sibling, and I know they feel the same way about me. I just cannot support their position on this, just like they cannot support mine. So as much as I hate to, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I will not talk about it with them anymore because we both feel like the other person isn't open to the idea that the other will be right.

But that doesn't mean I can't talk about it with other people.

I'm getting a signal from God that I may just be starting a movement. It may just be a book. It may just be a series of conversations with people that help them reconnect with God. Either way, I've been made aware of an issue and I plan on providing some help.

LGBT people are worthy and completely capable of having a God-centered, loving commitment. We just haven't really been told that. Hell, we're not even allowed to get legally married in 49 states. But there are churches in all 50 states that will marry and honor a "marriage" between two people of the same gender. That's a very valid and important fact. The government may not validate a gay marriage, but God will.

I not only see the need for a movement based on "Waiting for Commitment", but I feel it, I taste it, I hear it, I know it. The gift of our sexuality from God has been shamed and broken and exploited by our society. And it's time to reclaim it. It's time to reclaim our sacred sexuality and our relationships with God and rooted in God.

I'm filled with God's grace and warmth when I think about this. It is something I must do. God is calling me to this. How exactly it manifests itself is certainly not set in stone, though. I just know that it's rooted in God and love and I can't wait to do Her work :)

Get ready, world, because you're about to change!

Do you know you're worthy?

Here is part of a fantastic conversation I had tonight with a friend of mine. Names have been changed just in case. It might give you some food for thought....

9:49:22 PM L: Thanks. How are you?
9:49:45 PM ME: i'm freaking fantastic :)
10:04:19 PM L: Yep, but why do you say that?
10:04:37 PM ME: if you read my lastest note on fb you'll understand why
10:05:41 PM L: Lol care to explain though?
10:05:57 PM ME: i'm just totally in love with God right now
10:06:41 PM L: Great! What happened?
10:07:16 PM ME: i finished reading that book and it just really spoke to me and opened up my heart in so many ways
10:08:02 PM L: In what way?
10:09:39 PM ME: just how much God loves me and how there aren't any expectations or conditions in our relationship, so even though i'll screw up, She already did her part to pave the road to Her. Everything just seems so much more illuminated now
10:12:42 PM L: Hmm. . Are you online?
10:13:14 PM ME: yep
10:14:56 PM L: Well. God is love.
10:36:46 PM L: It's all about 1 John 4:7 and 8
10:38:22 PM ME: that's certainly it in beautifully simplified words
10:39:04 PM L: Do you know what is says?
10:39:15 PM ME: yep
10:40:04 PM L: and. . We can't fully love others if we don't love God. . Whatever we show him will pour out through our heart onto others. . The two greatest commandments is to Love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to love your neighbor as yourself.
10:40:46 PM L: Which we often feel that it's about loving others. . But, it's not.
10:41:28 PM ME: you can't fully love your neighbor if you don't fully love yourself. and how can you love god to your full extent if you don't love yourself, one whom She created in Her image?
10:42:23 PM L: You can try to portray and pour out what you feel love is. . By exhibiting those emotions to God . .
10:44:02 PM ME: try is the key word there. but if you don't love who you are enough to deem yourself worthy of a beautiful, intimate relationship with god, then you'll consistently keep him at a distance... and you won't be able to experience all the love She has to give
10:44:49 PM L: I think God meets us where we are at. . .
10:48:31 PM ME: well yeah, god is always with us wherever we are. but we have to do our part too. god's worth it. that's why it's so important to work through the things that keep us from loving ourselves. we are beautiful creations in her eyes and when we are blind to the fullness of that truth, we can't see the path laid down in front of us to travel closer to Her
10:50:42 PM L: By having low self worth it's almost a slap in the face to God, because ourselves were made in his image
10:51:06 PM ME: yep. that's exactly it.
10:51:38 PM ME: you're judging His creation by your socialized standards of merit and worth... which are tragically skewed.
10:52:44 PM L: Sometimes though, our problem with your worth has been implanted into us as a child. . and in adult hood It's not a judgment. . It depends on the person.
10:54:56 PM ME: i can understand where you're coming from, definitely. but as an adult, you're much more aware of the fact that it was a lie that was implanted. And yet we continue to judge ourselves by that criteria. True freedom comes in part by breaking ourselves of that.
10:55:50 PM L: I don't know. . I think sometimes it has been implanted so much, you can't see the lie. . You can see every reason why it's true.
10:56:29 PM ME: can you see the lies, L?

A Musing: My Ultimate Love Letter

We should never underestimate the uniqueness of God or our relationship with Her.  More so, we should acknowledge and rejoice in the fact that His love for us is deeper and more profound than we can even begin to comprehend.

My Love Letter.

In you, Lord, I find my best friend, my inspiration, my parent, my guardian, my lover most pure, my heart, my soul, my life, my love, my everything.  You are my ultimate goal, my destiny, my eternal salvation.

The struggle in truly finding you seems all the more beautiful now.  It makes our love more incredible than words could possibly describe.  And I cannot wait to be wholly united with you again.

Although it's accurate to say that everything in life pales in comparison to you, God, it's so much the opposite.  Your dwelling inside of me has magnified every color, every sound, every emotion, every moment.  The world is truly breathtaking because of you.

The Shack

Wow. I read this book in less than 24 hours and I may just have to read it over and over again. I cannot even begin to describe how special this book is. It is divinely inspired in word and truth. It has affirmed my own theories of God and the Trinity in more ways than I can even begin to comprehend! I am and will continue to be forever changed by this book.

The Shack

Albertine

You know how sometimes it seems like the whole universe is working with everything around you to send you a message? And you keep getting the clues, but either you just don't get the message or you're almost afraid to really open your eyes to what the message is....

I'm getting a message. A big part of my soul is passionate about peace and social justice and I've never really been able to do consistent service work, even though it's always been on my mind. Well, in the past few weeks I've had sermons, songs, prayers, conversations, readings, etc that point to turning my faith into a more proactive, service-oriented faith.

There are two songs that I haven't been able to get out of my head for this entire week. Albertine by Brooke Fraser and When I Leave by JJ Heller. Every time I listen to these songs I start to cry. It reaches deep down inside of me and I feel compelled to leave everything and follow Jesus. I want to live in a community of progressive Christians and do service work and talk about faith and spirituality in all our free time. I want to feel like I'm making a difference in the world. I feel called to do this. I'm still praying for more detail to be revealed, but as of right now, I'm doing my part to make connections.

I turned in an application to volunteer at the Center for Women in Transition in Champaign. Even if it's just a few hours a week, at least it's something! I have a lot of skills. I have a lot to offer. I want my eyes to be opened even wider to the injustices of this world so that I know even more what I can do to ignite change.

I am willing, Lord. I am open to your call, ready for your instructions. I am ready to be used by you in any way that you desire. Live within me, Lord, live through me, Lord. I am ready.

Suddenly Alive: A musing for my brother, Eric.

Your faith suits you well, oh brother in Christ. Your words ring loud and clear to those who happen upon your striking wisdom. Like a calm amongst the storm, your message is suddenly clear.

You speak of hope
And I am suddenly lighter.
You speak of truth
And I am suddenly wiser.
You speak of compassion
And I am suddenly warmer.
You speak of trust
And I am suddenly stronger.
You speak of prayer
And I am suddenly trying.

Your love and passion for all things holy is deep like the ocean and true like the sky. Your witness is powerful, your stores are divine. God lives not just within you, but through you most sure.

Your faith suits you well, oh brother in Christ. You are a testament of reparation and triumph. The truth indeed set you free and now you teach others to fly.

And I am suddenly alive.

Revelation

I FINALLY understand God. I FINALLY understand Jesus. I FINALLY GET IT!

Now, I'm not saying that I completely comprehend God or Jesus or the Trinity in general, but I feel like I finally understand the basics. I finally have an image in my head, a description in my mouth, and a truth in my heart. It's the answer to a prayer that I've had for a long time and one that I've prayed a lot about recently.

Jacob, my youngest brother, is an incredible person. His relationship with God is something that any Christian would long for. There is total love and trust and guidance and service there. But he's still young. And sometimes its hard for him to really converse with people about Jesus without them ending up frustrated. I have had many conversation with him where I've ended up frustrated and teary-eyed. He just wasn't able to help me understand or develop a further understanding of the answers I seek.

Eric, my other younger brother, has a gift for story telling. He's always been able to explain things in perfect detail. Well, as I was driving him to Indianapolis for a conference after Christmas we started talking about God and Jesus and all sorts of things. I told him that I wasn't sure exactly how the whole Trinity thing worked out and that I felt caught up in the pronouns and language used in the Bible. With Jesus calling God "the Father" and the Bible saying that Jesus "sits at the right hand of the Father", that's what I pictured: two completely separate entities. Jesus appeared to be God's VP or something. So we talked about it and he explained to me how he saw it; how he understood the Trinity. And the Holy Spirit must have been speaking through him because it just clicked! I started crying because I have been praying and waiting to understand this mystery for sooo long. It's been the topic of some pretty intense and entirely frustrating conversations with numerous people, so to feel like I finally understand it is such a gift.

So this is how I understand the Trinity to be....

I picture this big ball of warm, glowing, dancing light that created the world we live in. When it got to the inevitable point where humanity needed someone to lead them back onto the right path, God (the big ball of light) decided to split into three smaller balls of glowing, dancing light. They all circle and dance around each other in perfect harmony because they ultimately are one entity. One could not exist without the other. Kind of like if my soul, my body and my voice were all separate from each other in a physical way (but could not function unless all three were together). So these three balls of light are the trinity: Jesus is the physical representation of God, the ultimate sacrifice, the gateway, the face. The Holy Spirit is the voice of God, the inspiration, the warmth, the guide. And the third ball of light (known as "God") is the parent, the provider, the creator, the protector, the soul. One cannot exist without the others. All three are God. They are inexplicably linked and connected and together they are GOD.

I just needed the picture to understand it. I never had the picture before. The only picture was of Jesus, the flame, and the heavens. It was too separated for me to ever link them together as ONE ENTITY. But I can see it now. I can feel it.

And I want to paint it. I want to write it. I want to sculpt it. I want to glass it. I want to explore every medium possible in order to more fully glorify it. I want to be surrounded by it!

Unwilling to Give up for God?

I've spent so much time thinking about what I'm willing to give up for God, especially now since Jake has made his final decision concerning school. I know that I'm a lot more willing to give up a variety of things in my life that I wouldn't have before.... but what am I NOT willing to give up? What would I have a lot of trouble walking away from for God? I can think of so many different things that I consider to be important in my life - my family, my friends, my financial stability, my voice, my art, my sexuality - but could I give them up for God if She asked me to?

Honestly, I don't know. I think I would have a LOT of trouble giving them all up, though I could give up my financial stability if I knew I would have a place to go. But my family is incredibly important to me and so are my friends. I feel like I've given up so many friends throughout my life already, but I love the ones I have and the ones that I continue to grow closer to. I would have an incredibly hard time giving up my family and I don't see why God would ever ask me to give them up. Of course, who am I to think I could ever understand the greatness of God's plan?

I have fought so hard to accept and love and admire myself for who I am, including my sexuality, so I would have a hard time giving that up. I believe its a gift from God; I guess my fear has always been having to "renounce" my sexuality in order to fully be close to God. I feel deep down in my heart that it's not the case, so I'm not so worried about that. Would I have to give up sexuality all together? A very select few in this world have ever been able to successfully do that without hurting others in the process of trying. Would I have to give up my dreams of a family and a life partner? Those are such huge parts of what I want in my future. Those are big dreams to give up.

What about my art and my music? I've often wondered if I would go crazy or become severely depressed if I had to give up my voice, my harmony, my music. I don't even like thinking about the day when my voice will start to get weaker and it just won't be as beautiful anymore. It seems so tragic. And what if I was never able to create again? Never to take my ideas and passions and musings and turn them into beautiful paintings or sculptures or glass? I would indeed be sad. Art is my escape; it is my release, my healing. Would I give that up for God?

I hope that God wouldn't ask me to give up these things for some reason. I pray that I won't have to, but ultimately, I'm not the one in charge. I don't know that fighting against something like that would do me any good. In the bible, Job lost everything - his family, his friends, his home, his money. And he never cursed God. And because of his faith, God rewarded him ten fold. But I can't even imagine the pain he experienced while getting to that place.

If I was called to, would I be strong like Job? Would I be able to lose everything and still love God? Would I choose to give up everything for God? Would you?

Riding it out

Today hasn't been nearly as hard to handle as the past few days. I didn't get sick, I've only had a slight stomachache to deal with all day, I have only felt like crying once or twice, but I didn't actually have to let it out.

A lot of this calm stems from the awesome evening I had yesterday. I talked with Keith, my pastor, and it was a good talk. I always feel better after talking to him. The Holy Spirit works very well through him and I am constantly challenged to face my questions and issues in a much more open and insightful way than I can when talking to others. The Holy Spirit knows I need it short, sweet, and to the point and that's the way I get it! One of the really interesting topics we discussed was that I seem to have a lot more of an empathic ability than I wanted to realize. I've always known that I could read people really well, but in the past month especially, I could have written down what I truly thought CJ was going to do concerning our relationship and it would have all been correct. I had a feeling he would betray my heart. I had a suspicion it was with Arianna. I had a feeling that I was going to end up living with Laura the minute I met her. I had a feeling that although I kind of wanted the OJC job more, I was going to end up at Wolfram. As much as I've been a spiritual and intuitive person, I've also been very aware that I could be a very strong empath.... and that scares me. I told Keith last night that I'm afraid that letting myself fully realize this "gift" would open me up to a lot of not-so-good things. His exact words were these:

"Are any of those things bigger than God?"
"Well, no."
"Then why are you afraid?"

And I just stopped being afraid. That was all it took. Then I laughed out loud. It just seemed so simple. Why am I letting myself be blinded by fear? It's like I've been burying my head in the sand, but I'm still aware of the wind and sand hitting my body. I just refused to look because it felt like something bigger than I could handle. But God can handle it. And I'm ready to explore that gift. I'm ready to unbury my head and shake off the sand.

The last part of my evening was spent with Mags and Anne. We went to a Asian Star Buffet for dinner (yum) and then went back to their place where we watched AFV for 2 hours. WOW. I haven't laughed that hard in a REALLY long time. It was so wonderful. Anne's laugh made me and Mags laugh even harder. It was just what I needed. I was able to strengthen my stomach muscles and I think that's why I haven't gotten sick today! Laughter certainly IS food for the soul.

Riding this wave is getting easier. I'm actually starting to enjoy the ebb and flow.

Trimming the Vine

I can't make myself stop thinking about this. I can't force my heart to heal any faster. I can't tell myself I'm not allowed to be upset. I can't make the stomachache go away. I just have to ride it out. I have to trust that God is here beside me at each moment trimming away the deceased leaves from my vine so that eventually I'll be able to produce more fruit than ever before. But the trimming is incredibly painful. Even though She is careful with each leaf and each trim it still hurts and I still have to pray for peace and forgiveness and the ability to "let go and let God" over and over with each wave of pain. I still cry out in agony and reach out my hands in hope that She'll reach back in comfort. And although I know She is busy trimming my vine, I can feel Her empathetic eyes on me sending me comfort and reminding me that it will all be over soon and I'll be able to flourish once again.

I will be able to flourish again, but this time I'll be more beautiful than ever before because I'm letting God do the trimming. It's just going to take longer than I anticipated.... And I'm okay with that. I can continue breathing deeply through the pain because I trust this gardener with my whole body, heart, mind and soul. I know that She handles me with the utmost care and compassion. She's wanted to for so long, but I let everyone else handle me instead of her because they were faster or more convincing with their promises. And I'm left with a very battered vine; healthy fruit shorn and rotting on the ground around me. But eventually it will fertilize me and help me to grow healthy and strong... as long as I continue to let God do the gardening.

*This whole metaphor of trimming the vine was inspired by A Gentle Thunder by Max Lucado.

New Beginnings

This week has been one of new beginnings. My family helped me move into my new apartment on Saturday and on Monday I started my new job as Project Coordinator for the Web Research and Development Department of Wolfram Research, Inc.

I'm amazed that I'm even at this point in my life. I moved to Champaign at the end of June with the person that I thought I was going to be with forever. We combined all our stuff, graduated to calling each other "partners", opened joint accounts, became members of a church and even got a dog together. Four months later, he didn't love me any more. I know its not my fault. I tried to make it work. I promised I wouldn't run away when things got tough and I kept my promise. But three months of an unsuccessful job search and one month of an expensive attempt at selling insurance put us in a rough spot financially. He said he grew to resent me and didn't even want to try to make it work.

Ouch. No, F*CKING OUCH.

And since I had established myself in Champaign and made friends and joined a church, I didn't want to leave. So I reached out for help within my McKinley and Amasong communities.... and they reached back.

So here I am, three weeks later, at the end of my first week at Wolfram, in the most incredible apartment in Champaign with a fantastic roommate, and most importantly, with a renewed faith in God and humanity. I stopped freaking out about the lack of control I had during this whole break-up and decided to trust God completely. I've always told people "Let go and let God." Hell, I even have it tattooed on my arm! But this whole experience was the first time I saw such incredible, tangible truth in those words. I unsuccessfully job searched for four months without God and within two weeks of job and apartment searching WITH God, my search was 150% successful.

Now, I don't claim to be a God-fanatic or super-Christian, and I certainly have my own stigmas and judgements pertaining to evangelical Christians, but I am undoubtedly, whole-heartedly a believer in God. And I feel a longing to be closer to Her and to live my life as a testament to Her now more than ever. Amongst all these other new beginnings, I am also beginning a journey towards becoming a spiritual progressive radical believer and lover of God.... and I couldn't be more ready.