I'm getting a signal!

The past 24 hours have irrevocably altered my life.

I did not think I would ever have conversations with my siblings where I was defending my God given sexuality and right to love another woman. But I have. In their journeys towards deeper relationships with God, they have somehow come to the conclusion that God has told them that homosexuality is wrong and that if I only read the Bible more carefully and with an open heart, I would come to that conclusion as well.

I am not saying they are bad people, just as they are not saying the same thing about me. I love them unconditionally and am proud and blessed to be their sibling, and I know they feel the same way about me. I just cannot support their position on this, just like they cannot support mine. So as much as I hate to, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I will not talk about it with them anymore because we both feel like the other person isn't open to the idea that the other will be right.

But that doesn't mean I can't talk about it with other people.

I'm getting a signal from God that I may just be starting a movement. It may just be a book. It may just be a series of conversations with people that help them reconnect with God. Either way, I've been made aware of an issue and I plan on providing some help.

LGBT people are worthy and completely capable of having a God-centered, loving commitment. We just haven't really been told that. Hell, we're not even allowed to get legally married in 49 states. But there are churches in all 50 states that will marry and honor a "marriage" between two people of the same gender. That's a very valid and important fact. The government may not validate a gay marriage, but God will.

I not only see the need for a movement based on "Waiting for Commitment", but I feel it, I taste it, I hear it, I know it. The gift of our sexuality from God has been shamed and broken and exploited by our society. And it's time to reclaim it. It's time to reclaim our sacred sexuality and our relationships with God and rooted in God.

I'm filled with God's grace and warmth when I think about this. It is something I must do. God is calling me to this. How exactly it manifests itself is certainly not set in stone, though. I just know that it's rooted in God and love and I can't wait to do Her work :)

Get ready, world, because you're about to change!

Unwilling to Give up for God?

I've spent so much time thinking about what I'm willing to give up for God, especially now since Jake has made his final decision concerning school. I know that I'm a lot more willing to give up a variety of things in my life that I wouldn't have before.... but what am I NOT willing to give up? What would I have a lot of trouble walking away from for God? I can think of so many different things that I consider to be important in my life - my family, my friends, my financial stability, my voice, my art, my sexuality - but could I give them up for God if She asked me to?

Honestly, I don't know. I think I would have a LOT of trouble giving them all up, though I could give up my financial stability if I knew I would have a place to go. But my family is incredibly important to me and so are my friends. I feel like I've given up so many friends throughout my life already, but I love the ones I have and the ones that I continue to grow closer to. I would have an incredibly hard time giving up my family and I don't see why God would ever ask me to give them up. Of course, who am I to think I could ever understand the greatness of God's plan?

I have fought so hard to accept and love and admire myself for who I am, including my sexuality, so I would have a hard time giving that up. I believe its a gift from God; I guess my fear has always been having to "renounce" my sexuality in order to fully be close to God. I feel deep down in my heart that it's not the case, so I'm not so worried about that. Would I have to give up sexuality all together? A very select few in this world have ever been able to successfully do that without hurting others in the process of trying. Would I have to give up my dreams of a family and a life partner? Those are such huge parts of what I want in my future. Those are big dreams to give up.

What about my art and my music? I've often wondered if I would go crazy or become severely depressed if I had to give up my voice, my harmony, my music. I don't even like thinking about the day when my voice will start to get weaker and it just won't be as beautiful anymore. It seems so tragic. And what if I was never able to create again? Never to take my ideas and passions and musings and turn them into beautiful paintings or sculptures or glass? I would indeed be sad. Art is my escape; it is my release, my healing. Would I give that up for God?

I hope that God wouldn't ask me to give up these things for some reason. I pray that I won't have to, but ultimately, I'm not the one in charge. I don't know that fighting against something like that would do me any good. In the bible, Job lost everything - his family, his friends, his home, his money. And he never cursed God. And because of his faith, God rewarded him ten fold. But I can't even imagine the pain he experienced while getting to that place.

If I was called to, would I be strong like Job? Would I be able to lose everything and still love God? Would I choose to give up everything for God? Would you?

Working through the Pain

The last 20 hours have been really hard. I can't stop thinking about this whole betrayal. It even made me physically sick this morning. I am trying so hard not to let it get me so upset; I'm praying for peace of mind and heart (which comes in waves) and then I start thinking about it again and I have to pray for peace again. It's like a never ending taunt.

I went to church this morning and I was definitely ready to immerse myself in the joy that I feel there. I was practicing with the choir when I saw Mags and Anne walk in; I almost burst into tears. It was just so good to see them there and know that I could go sit by them and not feel so alone for an hour. The service today was so wonderful! The little kids did a Christmas Pageant and the really little ones were dressed as sheep. They were so cute! It really made my heart smile. It was just what I needed. And the pain is really beginning to subside.

I'm going to take the rest of the day to work on some glass, go see Laura's (my roommate) performance with Kathy and Lynn (my Champaign mommies) and make some curry for dinner. It should be a good end to these last 24 hours.

Musing: The Purpose of the Journey

written November 15, 2006

I have arrived at the beginning of a whole new philosophy. I am prepared; with my eyes wide shut and my intuition leading the way. No rocks or branches shall trip me, no mountain or raging river shall barricade my journey. I will not merely be walking, I will be traveling with knowledgeable guides; each one passing me off to another when the territory stretches beyond their realm of understanding. With each step, I will learn something new; feel a new sensation. The pebbles will teach me about how dangerous the tiny obstacles in our lives can be when we don't step carefully. The heat of the sun will teach me how important warmth of body and soul is to our survival. The wind will teach me to let my hair loose and to enjoy the feeling of a cool breeze against my sun-ripened skin.

And when the night falls, the stars will teach me that even the smallest light can lead me out of the darkness. The moon will teach me that everyone and everything has a secret. I'll listen for the bone-chilling cry of the wolf, commanding my follicles to stand up straight. I'll listen to the lamentations of all the creatures that live freely in the shadows. They beckon me to give in; to allow the lure of a secret, sorrowful freedom to envelope my soul. And I will. The cold chill will crawl up my limbs and put shivers in my muscles.... but only for a moment.

I realize that too much darkness, too much mystery, will make a person lose their self. Darkness leads to mystery, mystery leads to conspiracy, conspiracy leads to silence, and silence leads to pain. A pain much greater than pebbles beneath my feet. A pain that makes the whole body ache until our fragile hearts break into a million tiny pieces. Too much darkness is dangerous to the soul. But to not experience it is to do ourselves a great disservice.

How will we ever understand the importance of the sun's warmth if we have never experienced the chill of the moon? How will we measure the open and true freedom of a cool breeze against our skin if we have never even come close to traveling outside our temperature controlled boxes?

Well, I refuse to remain comfortably stagnant inside of a box. The philosophy of my journey will teach me more about myself than I can even comprehend. So, I have arrived at the edge; my eyes wide shut and my intuition leading the way. I know I'll return one day, though not before I've traveled as far as the world will guide me. I will not return unscathed, but I WILL return stronger than ever before.

Strange how it makes so much sense all over again; how it relates so much all over again. Its just another example of how each experience and each lesson all relates back to the interconnectivity of all humanity.